There’s so much to say, so much I learned. But I am going to respect my sons dad and therefore can’t say it all like I originally was going to. I had my husband now read my original post all about my first marriage and what I had learned though it that I planned to post and he didn’t think it was a good idea. I didn’t say a single bad thing about my ex husband. But as Chris said he might not be comfortable with the world knowing so much. He’s more of a private guy, and that’s ok. It got me thinking and he’s right and the last thing I want to do is be hurtful to anyone, especially my sons father. So I deleted it and am starting over. I’m posting this now as February 21, 2013 was the date my divorce became finalized.
I am going to write more about what I learned about myself through my first marriage and how I am a better person from learning all I did. We got together when I was 17 in 1998, that’s young and we were together until 2012. Thats a lot of life with someone and so much of it when I was growing up and figuring myself out and we had lots of traumatic events with our sons medical issues. I will say, my ex husband is an amazing man, he just wasn’t the right one for me once I grew up and figured myself out. I’m so grateful for him, my son, his partner, his family and mine and my husbands relationship with them all.
I once was a very insecure person, pretty negative, and close minded. I had lots of positives though too, but all the negatives definitely showed up in my marriage. My insecurities, I am sure were not the easiest to be around. I also learned in my late 30s, 37 to be exact, that alcohol did not serve me. I wasn’t a huge drinker, I never drank at home, but when I drank I got out of control and it was a problem many times throughout my life, my first marriage and it got even worst after my divorce when all of a sudden I only had my son part time. I’m so grateful for the DUI I got that led me to a path of never drinking again, It also happened to be shortly after my husband quit drinking, so I figure the purpose of my DUI was to make me quit drinking to be a positive support for my husband, but so much more as I have learned over the years.
My insecurities started when I was very young. I had horrible skin, I have eczema and as a kid, it was so bad and my neck and face had it all over. I was like a big rash. I also had it all over, but the face and neck are so visible. I got teased a lot, looked at often with strange looks, or so I thought that was why. I didn’t know how to do my hair or makeup, I always had decent clothes, but I didn’t look “normal”. I think this made me be reactive, insecure and I would make assumptions wether they were real thoughts or even about me. I was definitely one of those kids, especially in my teen years that talked shit about others, and for no reason except I was insecure and unhappy with myself.
Then in like 5th grade I started to get white spots on my leg. Those spots grew and spread and were more white, with some brown spots. It covered my lower left leg and spread up to my butt and back of thigh. I was diagnosed with Vitiligo, an autoimmune disorder. All cosmetic, but as a kid and with my already bad skin, it made me so self conscious. I stopped wearing shorts, I didn’t wear dresses and started to hate swimsuits, no fun when you have a pool in your backyard.
Between my eczema, vitiligo, not being good at my makeup, my bad teeth (I definitely needed braces) and my hair that I definitely didn’t know how to style, I just always felt ugly. I also just had a poor attitude and mindset which didn’t help, then at the end of 8th grade I went through puberty, gained weight, went from flat chested to a huge rack and was a hormonal mess. I was just a mess, I was just a teenager really struggling with myself, body image and fitting in. This led me to finding new friends, the friends I had really weren’t truly friends, I just wanted to hang out with them because they were popular and pretty.
My insecurities found me in a new group of friends, people who accepted me. We had a lot of things in common, one being we were teens that experimented. We liked to smoke pot, do what we wanted. We didn’t cause too much trouble, but we definitely did things we shouldn’t of. Some of these friends really did well in life, they didn’t let their recreational use of pot and partying get in the way. I was the exception to that and I was one that struggled bad halfway into 8th grade, struggled bad in 9th grade and then in 10th grade was so far behind in school already. In 10th grade, my first year of high school I met older people who did drugs, skipped school and were not great students. I found another group to hang with, still some of my old friends but we definitely grew apart. I stopped going to school half way into my sophomore year. I didn’t think I needed it, I hated it and I just didn’t care. So I dropped out. And my parents didn’t seem to be too worried, this I traced back to why at my Weekends event and walk I did where I learned a lot about my life. One being that my mom had dropped out of high school or been forced to leave at 16 because she became pregnant with my brother, and I don’t think me dropping out bothered her too much. Her and my dad were successful.
Fast forward to 17, right before I turned 18 and I met a man I would eventually marry. He was great, he checked off all the things on my list of what a good husband would have and be like. We dated for 5 years before we got married. I never felt good about myself during this time, he was cute. He was a skater guy. We got married. A year later we had our first child. That child would endure so much and was so sick, and sick for years. Because of that I got into the medical field. My ex was super into working out for a few years at that point, but I never did it. We moved to our first house in Forest Grove. I realized the baby weight wasn’t just coming off and joined LA Fitness where he went. I was gym special, so I hired a personal trainer to help me learn what to do and do it properly. At this point I became obsessed with the gym. I started to feel great, look great. My ex also let me get braces, which I got right before I got pregnant. So that also boosted my confidence. Between the braces and now the gym, my confidence started to grow, for the first time ever I felt good looking, I looked good and it really changed how I felt about myself. I’m proud to say, being active and exercising has stayed a staple in my life and is so important and I thank my ex husband for that.
I learned SO much through my relationship and first marriage. I was still growing up, figuring myself out. Finding my place in the world. Learning to become secure with myself, who I was, what I looked like and how I felt. I started to change, grow and learn. Realizing what I really wanted in life and what was important to me. So many things that I didn’t know earlier in my life. Sadly learning so much about myself, gaining confidence and becoming the woman I was meant to be totally changed me and who I was and what I wanted. I no longer thought I wanted certain things. I all of a sudden knew what I wanted and I was determined to put myself first and go out and make all my dreams and desires happen. I think this also has to do with my age. I think some people truly know themselves and have it all figured out, but in my early 20s I did not. I had a vision of what I wanted, I got it, but I changed and what I wanted and dreamed of and thought changed as well.
I am writing this as I am sitting here, 39 years old, 40 in 6 months. I finally feel confident in saying I know who I am, I know what I want, I know what my purpose is in life and I am content and happy with my life, my new husband and myself. I am confident. I am happy. I am successful. I am proud of who I am. I am saying this as I live with a traumatic brain injury and Diffuse Axonal Injury. Something that could of broke me and ruined my life, I don’t let it. I adjust to it, I married the right man for me that adjusts too it and loves me no matter what. This is hard. Our life is hard. But our life is beautiful. I am beautiful. I’m so thankful and grateful for my first marriage and all I learned through it. I’m so grateful for the relationship I have with my ex husband and his partner and the relationship my husband and I now have with them. This is how it should be if things don’t work out. We all have one common interest and that is Jaxson, my son. Anything we do all 4 of us is for him. We all respect each other and only say good things about each other because of Jax. We are all parents to him, this child has a relationship with all of us and how we act and what we say matters. I am so thankful my ex found a great partner as well as I did and that we have made the best out of this thing called divorce.